Home

Another winter day

Has come and gone away

In even Paris and Rome

And I wanna go home

Let me go home

As I pull into our front drive way I'm overwhelmed with a heavy weight of memories and the uplifting excitement of just being home. 

A greeting full of pure joy from my fur baby Jersey. 

Lyle was still at work so I had some time with Jersey to just step out of my car, walk around and breathe in what it felt like to be home. It was a beautiful calm Friday afternoon too. I didn't have any stress about Bella. Mom gave me great updates that made me feel so at ease even though I was quite far away from Bella. 

Walking all around the yard made me so happy knowing Bella is going to love growing up here. From isolation in a single hospital room, to our wide open acreage... It's going to blow her mind! I can't wait till she's buz'n all around here, that's all I could think about while walkn around. 

More love for my pooch, then I'll go inside. That's going to be harder. I know a lot of what I see is going to bring me right back to those heart-sinking days right before we had to bring Bella back to hospital. I didn't really want to go inside at first. 

Bella's Beads of Courage from Dec. 8th, 2013 - Sept. 8th, 2014. 

Bella's living room book stash in the window. I'd read to her in the mornings, with snuggles while I had my coffee. I just had to stare at them for a few minutes, thinking about all the fun things we did in the living room. The memories pulled me in with a strong numbing gaze. 

After that, I sort of just felt the need to go into each room in our house. I needed to see each room, like band aids on each limb I just needed to rip off really fast so it wouldn't hurt too much. 

So I found myself just standing at each door way. Jersey stood by my side for each room. Patiently waiting.

Bella's Room.

Even some of her outfits sparked flashbacks of certain days in Saskatoon hospital or the days I actually took her out in public. What a bittersweet risk that was.

It seemed as though much of what I thought of,standing in Bella's room, was all... "God, If we had only known." It hurt so much, a flood of pain just ripped through me. All I saw was all the dangerous mistakes we took with Bella, because we didn't know she had SCID. 

Every memory, even the fun and happy ones that came through my mind, were tainted with, "She wasn't supposed to be home yet, she wasn't fixed yet, she's was still in pain." 

I took a deep breath... Reminded myself: She's safe. She's better. She's fixed. It will all be ok now. Erase, erase, erase the pain... it's over. Next room.

Some tubby times had giggles and many had smiles. Too many were not easy to think about. Working around the ostomy, after that was gone, her horrible skin issues and ng struggles. I quickly tried to erase those and remind myself how beautiful her silky smooth skin is now. Baby smooth and not causing her pain.

Our basement. This was a good space, to finish settling in at home this weekend. We had some fun happy times downstairs in September. We rock'd some tunes, Bella would jump and play in the bouncer, amazed at whatever show was on the massive screen. Lyle and I would be cleaning or painting... finally  completing more basement projects for future family time to be spent down there. Like epic movie nights! 

Finally, just before Lyle got home I sat myself down and took a big deep breath. All the 'bad memory' band-aids were pulled off and healing took place. Breathe in fresh air and new beginnings, breathe

out recent triggers of a painful year. Breathe in what joy and fun there will be, breathe out the weight of waiting. 

Friday, Saturday and Sunday were so great, and so relaxing. I was taken back at the amount of work Lyle put into our homestead. (Ya, we use that word... Like a couple from 1919, 'homestead.') haha

The work he does on top of regular work, is so much, but he loves it. He's building up our beautiful home, so perfectly... It'll be a sweet sight when Bella and I get back there together. All thanks to my hard working hubby. 

I'm just too far

From where you are

I wana come home

Let me go home

I've had my run

Baby I'm done

I gotta go home

Let me go home

It'll all be alright

I'll be home tonight 

I'm coming back home.