Recently I have had a few nights with Bella where it 'all just hits me,' and I remind myself I need to take these moments in. I finally had a chance to write some poetry the other evening after Bella went to bed.
I miss writing. I miss drawing, painting, all the arts I used to make time for. I finally took the time for 'a moment,' and transformed that memory into a poem. The "moment" I'm talking about are all the ones I have with Bella, every evening, as she sleeps in my arms right before I put her in her crib. The way these moments come to be, our circumstances, the situations... Sometimes it 'all just hits me' in that moment, as I'm holding her, as she sleeps in my arms.
NyNy Time
"Ok baby, it's nyny time,
Let's get pjs out...and everything else."
She giggles from her hospital crib
Those ice blues eyes glance at me
Wait...take a second
She's smiling, playing
Take it in, breathe
She's happy
I grab her pjs from the hospital closet
These still fit? She's lost weight
But she's growing. Ya, they'll fit.
Wait...can't give her nyny cuddles yet.
Feed pump set, check
Gtube cleaning supplies, check
O2 toe probe, check
IV lines untangled, labeled, check
Quick! Move her hand, she's grabbing her IV line.
Oh ya, check her diaper.
Give her a kiss.
"Ok baby, mommas gotta get all your stuff done before nyny cuddles."
Nurse comes in, put her down.
She checks her vitals
Wait...grab the BP cuff
Help the nurse
"It's ok baby, nyny cuddles soon."
Don't cry, don't do that
The nurse might see you
Your fine, Bella's fine
Don't do that right now
The nurse might come back in
You'll get to hold her soon
Now hurry up and finish
Gtube,IV,monitor, O2 probe, leads...
"Ok baby, just a couple more things
Mommas gotta do and then I can hold you."
Lay her down
Gtube clean, check
Line dressing secure, check
O2 probe on check... Plug it in
Monitor on, stats good? Yep.
BP cuff on, check
Wrist brace on, check
Wait...she's upset, calm her down
Hurry up, she wants to be held
Change her bum, fast.
Her cheeks are red, she's hot
Fever? Please no, she feels ok
Check your own BP
Focus! She's fine
Probably just teeth
Teething is normal, please be teeth
Calm down
Probably just teeth
Maybe gas
... Yep, gas.
Sigh of relief, normal baby things
She's ok
Breathe
Don't cry!
She's strong, your tough
"Ok baby, Shhh.
Mommas gonna put nyny music on."
Grab the speaker
Songza, Acoustic versions of pop songs... always good.
A bit harder not to cry now
Hold'em back
Nurse may come in.
Wait!... Forgot to plug in her IV pumps
Quick! Before they beep
Breathe
Pick her up
Nyny cuddles time... Finally.
"Ok my sweet love
Shhhhh... Mommas got you
Time for nyny's."
Hold her close
Hold back the tears
Hold in the pain
You'll be home together soon
Don't cry, don't do that
She's sleeping in your arms
Take it in
She's just fine
Just take it in
Don't let the flood of thoughts
Drowned your eyes with tears,
They'll drip on her
She's going to be just fine
She's going to be great.
The 3 of you
Under 3 different roofs.
Don't think about it
It makes you cry
Don't look at all the lines coming from her, don't compare,
Don't worry.
Breathe, wipe the tears away
Go to bed
You need to eat.
One last look at the monitor
She's good
98, 100, 99, 100, 100
Heart rate, pulse
108, 111, 115, 112, 108
Got to bed
You need to sleep.
Breathe
Look, she's sleeping so well
Go to your room
She's good.
Wait...one last prayer
God, protect her, please
Keep her strong, she's so strong
Give her peace, joy and a happy heart
Give her the want to eat, drink.
Keep her brave, no fear
Help the doctors, Lord
Show them everything they need for her.
No pain, no harm, she is protected.
And God, just a lil more strength in me, just a little more relief.
Amen.
Ok, off to bed
More nyny cuddles tomorrow
Go to your room
Relax
Breathe
No ones around
You can break down.
Oh my Kyla. You have me in tears. Your doing an amazing job Momma. Happy Mother's Day! Xo
ReplyDeleteAww Amber, thank you. Happy Mommas day to you too hun! :)
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